


Files

by stargatefan_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-31
Updated: 2013-12-31
Packaged: 2018-10-06 20:44:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10344210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stargatefan_archivist/pseuds/stargatefan_archivist
Summary: The team watches a television show....with hilarious results.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Yuma, the archivist: this work was originally archived at [Stargatefan.com](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Stargatefan.com). To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [StargateFan Archive Collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/StargateFan_Archive_Collection).

Files

"Daniel, what are you doing now?" O'Neill asked as he walked into the gray SGC Lounge. 

"Watching TV," replied Jackson, only half paying attention to the colonel. 

Jackson was sprawled out on the couch that had been placed in front of the 20-inch colour Television, his eyes glued to the show which was now showing an Aspirin commercial. 

"Wonderful. What show?" 

"X-Files," Jackson said, his eyes never leaving the screen. 

"Funny. That looks a lot like Aspirin," O'Neill said. 

"Very funny. Ha ha," Jackson said. This time he turned to look at O'Neill. "It's a commercial." 

"You think?" O'Neill said. "Move over." 

"Huh?" Jackson looked up at him again. 

"I'm sitting down. Move over." 

"You're not changing the channel..." Jackson informed him. 

"No, you're right. I'm not. I'm watching it with you. Move over." 

Jackson sat up and groaned. He moved over about two feet to give O'Neill room. The Aspirin changed to Air Crisps. "I didn't know you watched the show." 

"I've been known to, from time to time." O'Neill wouldn't give Jackson the satisfaction of knowing he's never missed a show. "So what episode are we watching?" 

"We've got a bunch," Jackson said. "They're showing us a quadruple feature or something. Football got canceled so they decided to show four episodes." 

"What's that?" Carter asked, walking in. She was trailed by Fraisier and Teal'c. 

"X-Files," O'Neill explained. 

"Love that show," Carter added. 

"What is an X-Files?" Teal'C asked, cocking his head. 

"Gasp!" Jackson said. He looked over the couch and right at Teal'c's face. 

"Blastphomy!" 

Teal'c cocked his head in confusion. "X-Files is your God?" he asked. He had been trying to get down to the nitty gritty of their religion ever since he got there. They had always tried to get around it. "Ask Daniel to tell you," "Ask Jack to tell you, "Ask Sam to tell you." And, quite frankly, Teal'c was getting pissed. Teal'c didn't get pissed very often, but, he was getting pissed. 

"No, Teal'c," O'Neill said. "Daniel's just being a little bit too X-Philish for his own good." 

"What is an X-Philish?" Teal'C asked. He was growing even more confused. 

"Never mind." 

"SSHHHHHHH!" Jackson shushed. "It's on!" 

The room fell silent as the teaser for the first episode began. The episode was called Beyond the Sea. It started at Scully's house. 

"Hey...look at her Dad," Fraisier said jokingly. 

"He's pretty weird," Jackson agreed. 

"He's bald!" O'Neill snorted. 

"Hee hee hee..." Carter laughed. "He's so weird!" 

"And he's fat!" O'Neill shouted. "And he's a Tex. Yee haw. Ya might be a redneck." 

"Let's not get mean," Jackson said. 

"Oh why not?" O'Neill pleaded. 

"Because I can't hear the episode." 

They watched in silence for about two more minutes, until the teaser was over and the famous X-Files theme song "Dum dum dum dum DUM dum" filled the air. Another commercial came on. It was with some cat who sang "Meow meow meow" a lot. 

"Are we actually going to watch the show or are we just going to sit here and MST it? " Jackson asked, annoyed. 

"What is a MST?" Teal'c asked. 

"MST. Mystery Science Theatre 3000!" Jackson explained. "Well...it's a show where they take really bad movies and make fun of them." 

"I see," Teal'c said, not meaning it. 

"Oh we'll be good," Jack said, lying through his teeth. For the rest of the 40 minutes he made crack after crack about the show until eventually everyone gave up on yelling for him to shut the hell up. 

"Well, I'm leaving now," Fraisier said. "I need to get back to the lab." However, what she was really saying was 'Colonel O'Neill's jokes are so bad that they drove even me out. I can't stand it anymore. I'm gone!' 

"What's next on the list, Daniel?" O'Neill asked rubbing his hands together. 

"I don't know," Jackson said bitterly. "We'll have to see." 

Just then General Hammond walked in the door. 

"What are you doing?" he asked. 

"Watching TV Sir," O'Neill said. 

"What show?" Hammond asked, with genuine interest. 

"Um...X-Files, Sir," Carter said. 

"Great!" Hammond said. "I love that show." 

"You do?" everyone asked with mutual interest (and some horrour). 

"Yes. My granddaughters watch it all the time. They've got me in to it," he said with a chuckle. No one else returned the chuckle. They were all gasping in horrour. 

"Dear God," Carter said under her breath. 

"What episode are we watching?" 

"Uh...not sure, Sir," Jackson said. "The commercials should be over soon though." 

"Ah good." 

Hammond walked around the couch and sat between Sam and Jackson. They looked at him uncomfortably but said nothing. 

The episode started. 

"Oh, this is called Excelsius Dei," Jackson said after about a minute. 

"That's nice," O'Neill said. But he cared because he had been trying to figure out the name of it for the last 30 seconds. 

They watched as an attractive young nurse came onto the screen. 

"Ooh," O'Neill said when he saw the nurse. He unconsciously leaned forward. They watched for a minute more, as the invisible entity 'appeared' and held her onto the bed. 

"Bummer," O'Neill remarked, and sat back in the couch. The teaser ended and the credits showed. 

Jackson started to laugh. 

"What?" Carter asked. 

"Jack's got a crush on the girl in the X-Files. Hee hee ha ha ho ho." 

"No....I...don't..." 

"Yeah right Jack." 

"Shut up Daniel." 

"Ha ha ha...owww!" 

"Not so funny, is it, laughing boy?" 

"General! He hit me!" 

"Shut up, people! It's on again." 

They all looked at the General in new admiration as his obsessive behaviour showed through. 

After that breakout they watched the episode in silence, even during the commercials. Before the next episode, Fraisier came back. 

"Captain Carter," she said. "I need to see you in the lab." 

"Oh, okay," she said. "Let me know what I miss," she said to the guys. "And have fun." 

The next episode started. They watched as Skinner woke up next to the dead blonde girl. 

"You know, I heard she got an Emmy for that," O'Neill said with a joke. 

"For what?" Jackson asked. 

"Playing dead. A superb performance." 

"Jack would you stop it?" 

"Oh okay. But really! I mean, imagine getting on the X-Files. You think this is your big break and then they kill you off if the first few minutes. 

"I can't imagine," Hammond said absent-mindedly. 

"Well this is fun," O'Neill said. At this point he was starting to get bored, but he sat through the rest of the episode. 

Just as it was ending, Carter came back. 

"How was the episode?" she asked. 

"Oh not bad. Skinner killed an annoying blonde," O'Neill said to her. "Nothing much." 

"Sorry I missed it," she said sarcastically. 

"One more episode to go," Jackson announced. The episode came on. 

"Musings of a Cigarette Smoking man," Hammond said. 

They all looked at him wondering why he knew that, but looked back at the screen. 

Ten minutes went by and the episode went into flashbacks. 

"What's that name of the guy who plays the young Cancer Man?" Carter asked, interested. 

"Chris somebodyrather," Jackson said. "He's a *Canadian*," he added, as if it was a disease. 

Carter, Fraisier, Jackson, and Hammond all winced. 

"He also goes on to play Agent Spender later on in the series. He's also been in some other Vancouver-produced shows." 

"Shows like what?" Fraisier asked. 

"Some really crappy Showtime production," Jackson told them. 

"Ah," the both nodded in agreement. 

"You gotta watch out for those," Carter said. 

"Hey...does he look familiar to anyone?" O'Neill asked. 

"Getting a little paranoid are we Jack?" Jackson joked. 

"No, I'm serious!" 

"Not really, Sir," Carter said. 

"I do not believe I have seen this man before," Teal'c said. 

"Oh you're all cracked!" O'Neill said. "I swear, I've seen this guy before." 

"Well he was in that Showtime production, Jack. Is that what you've been doing? Watching Showtime late at night. We *all* know what goes on Jack..." 

"Shut up...maybe he has a twin." 

"Sure...whatever Jack." 

"WOULD YOU PEOPLE JUST-" Hammond started to shout. He paused. "You know, Colonel, you're right." 

"Ha ha ha," O'Neill gloated. 

The episode ended. 

"Well, that was fun," Jackson said, not meaning it. 

"Indeed," O'Neill agreed. 

Suddenly the show changed to MacGyver 

"Oh I LOVE this show," O'Neill said. 

'I HATE that show with a passion,' Jackson thought. "Uhhh...I have to go now...umm...pots to translate and all that." He left. 

"I have somebody to dissect," Fraisier said. 'That guy on it is so annoying', she thought to herself. She left too. 

"Uh...ditto," Carter said. She paused and her face went red when she realized what she had said. She quickly left. 

"I've got papers to shred," Hammond said and ran off. 

"I do not understand these strange customs of yours," Teal'c said. 'If O'Neill likes this show I cannot possibly enjoy it,' he thought, and left as well. 

"Oh well," O'Neill said, seeing that he was alone. He spred himself out of the couch and started singing along with the theme song. 

The End

  


* * *

>   
> © 1998 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp.  
> The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa’uld and all other characters  
> who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names,   
> titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television,   
> Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd.   
> Partnership.  
> The X-Files is the property of Ten-Thirteen Productions and Chris Carter.  
> This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and   
> solely meant for entertainment.   
> All other characters, the story idea and the story itself   
> are the sole property of the author.   
> 

* * *

  
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